Oneders in Onederland

Oh my gosh! I had promised to weigh on Friday morning but it was early and Sara and I had to leave for the Crow Creek reservation and I forgot. Then I went back alone to Crow Creek yesterday to finish the graduate class I am teaching there and it didn't happen yesterday. So this morning, just 23 days after seeing Dr. G, I marched downstairs and stepped on the scales. It is battery operated and it flashed "Lo" and I jumped off and started to laugh. "Lo" my you know what! I exited to Vince's workshop and hustled up a screwdriver and fresh battery. Stepped on and I have lost nine pounds. 199 AGAIN!
If you haven't read the comments from my last couple of posts, you need to. I have become very close (in thoughts and prayers) with some wonderful people in blog land and the love is transmitted in their remarks. No, Tina, I haven't been eating those naughty things and I know how good it would be if I admitted if I had. Just do it and get it out! But rather, I do believe the fill on March 28th might be the ticket. I am very tight and would probably need to admit some episodes related to eating too fast or just a "smidgen" too much since the fill but I am becoming more and more accustomed to the feel and it is so much better. I now have 6.5 ccs in the band and according to the insurance records, this was fill #4. I didn't realize that.
Caroline, I have a Blackberry and it is a "thing of the devil". It rings or vibrates to alert me of calls or e-mails. I have put it away while I am driving except to talk to someone if it rings. I also have a personal cell since the IRS thinks the Blackberry is a "perk" of the job and would like to tax me on the benefit. No perk, in my opinion. I have it so I am never out of School Superintendents' reach.
So it is with much delight I post a new picture. I felt very slim the other morning and asked Vince to take a picture since the last one was in August. I notice I am losing some of the spare tire (A John Deere tractor tire) from around the mid section. And some tulips in our yard!

Driving and Drinking

I had decided to do more water drinking while I was driving and see how it made me feel (other than having to stop more often). I think it may be helping as I have been less hungry between meals and I know water is better than coffee (even though it is decaf). I plan to get on the scale on Friday morning this week as that will be two weeks since I saw Dr. G. It is going to be OK as I know I will be successful. Nola says "1 Kilo" and I say "four sticks of butter". I have been doing a load of driving again as school is getting close to the end and we have contract days to fulfill. At caring friends' requests I have refrained from reading or writing e-mails while behind the wheel.

Yesterday, April 2

So it was another one of those days to think about what I need to do. It was nice to be able to sleep in since on most days I am on the road to somewhere around 7 am. Instead I was able to take a shower and then get ready to go pamper myself. Allison and Kevin had given me a pedicure for staying an extra day so they could take advantage of gettig bumped by the airlines and earn $800 toward future tickets. I have to say I don't like getting any payment for watching over my precious grandchildren but their appreciation is very thoughtful. On my way across the yard to the car I asked Vince if he had read my blog (I don't know why I asked because I know he reads it regularly). He looked at me with that pitiful grin he has when I know he is disappointed in me and just slipped "good luck". It cut like a knife. I let the most important person in my life down. I knew that would be his reaction as I have failed so many times at this struggle. I just felt like a real scum bucket! On Wednesday, I had admitted to Cathy (my little sister because of ex-husband). Before I had the surgery she had honestly stated she was not certain I could make the band work because I really needed to change my behavior and this was not a magic fix. Well on Wednesday, she reminded me of her precautions two years ago. It seems like I just really meet everyone's expections. These are people who know me well and love me but know what I am capable or incabpable of.
Needless to say, I have shed some tears of disappointment in myself and shame for what I can't seem to do.
The pedicure was wonderful and I have pretty toes. I came home and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Then I went out to my son's house and watched over D1, D2, and D3 while mom and dad had to work in the afternoon. They are so sweet and lovable. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful children and grandchildren.
For food, I had yogurt, water, salad, and about 1/2 cup leftover ground turkey casserole. That didn't go down very well. Before going to bed I had 1/3 cup pecans for a snack with some decaf coffee.
I really appreciate the comments from yesterday. Tina is right, this is like getting a PhD. I have to say that I really wasn't certain I could accomplish that either. Don't know why I don't believe the therapist when he tells me I am my own worst enemy. Caroline, I am convinced there is no secret to this but if reading and writing about it helps, then perhaps my words will assist someone in figuring it out. We are in this together. I believe you thought long and hard about the surgery, as did I. It was unkind of the snit to tell you that the band might not be for you. It is what we chose and we can make it work for us. Keep the faith and cut yourself no slack, fellow bandits. Have a blessed Easter! No chocolate across the lips.

Just the Facts

My dear cyber friends and those I know who read my blog cause you love me,
This post is long overdue. I have not had the guts to write what I need to write. This blog was started as a way for me to share my thoughts but most of all add a bit of real conviction to this episode of my life. How many times have I failed at this struggle with weight? How many times have I started over? How many times do I need a therapist to tell me that I am my own worst enemy? How many times do I need to tell myself I can beat this?
Well, this is the next time. I have been sitting in my car driving all over this vast prairie thinking about how I need to write this post. I have let MYSELF down one more time. I have not been exercising regularly. I have not been drinking enough water! I have not been eating three meals a day with small nutritious snacks once in a while. I have not been using my band as a tool!!!!!
Instead, I have been sitting in my car driving all over this vast prairie eating a little of this and a little of that. Spending long hours working and not making my exercise program a priority. Drinking decaf coffee instead of water. And well, just making excuses for not getting on the scale.
No, I haven't gained inches. I am not certain how I have managed to do that when I have added 36 sticks of butter back onto this 5'1" frame. It is not the fault of the band, oh no, it is my lack of ambition to take care of myself and exercise. I can not lose the pounds if I don't move my body and burn what I do eat. Yes, you read that right! Since the last time I went to see Dr. Glatt, seven months have gone by and I have gained 9 pounds. I weighted 208.1 pounds on the scale in his office last Friday. There I wrote it down for all of you to see.
I am ashamed of myself. I am disappointed in myself. I was so embarassed that it has taken me almost 7 days to get up the courage to admit this to all of you. Oh sure, I got a .5cc fill to make that band work better but I am the one who needs to work better. I have thought about writing this post and have been writing this post, keeping it as a draft until I could finally make certain I was ready to face the fact that this journey is one of the hardest I have ever traveled. BUT, today is the first day of the rest of my life. You have just the facts! No excuses because there are none to be made. No blame for anyone but me. I have to get control of what I am going to do with all of this. My actions will speak louder than my words. I guess I will start today.
I will make this promise. I am not hiding from you anymore. I will be writing regularly and you will be hearing about my progress, my temptations, and most of all my success. I am going to get to 160 pounds (now that is 48 pounds away). I will be healthy and happy for many years to come because I am going to beat this thing with the help of my family, friends, and my sweet little band.