Saturday, April 3, 2010

Yesterday, April 2

So it was another one of those days to think about what I need to do. It was nice to be able to sleep in since on most days I am on the road to somewhere around 7 am. Instead I was able to take a shower and then get ready to go pamper myself. Allison and Kevin had given me a pedicure for staying an extra day so they could take advantage of gettig bumped by the airlines and earn $800 toward future tickets. I have to say I don't like getting any payment for watching over my precious grandchildren but their appreciation is very thoughtful. On my way across the yard to the car I asked Vince if he had read my blog (I don't know why I asked because I know he reads it regularly). He looked at me with that pitiful grin he has when I know he is disappointed in me and just slipped "good luck". It cut like a knife. I let the most important person in my life down. I knew that would be his reaction as I have failed so many times at this struggle. I just felt like a real scum bucket! On Wednesday, I had admitted to Cathy (my little sister because of ex-husband). Before I had the surgery she had honestly stated she was not certain I could make the band work because I really needed to change my behavior and this was not a magic fix. Well on Wednesday, she reminded me of her precautions two years ago. It seems like I just really meet everyone's expections. These are people who know me well and love me but know what I am capable or incabpable of.
Needless to say, I have shed some tears of disappointment in myself and shame for what I can't seem to do.
The pedicure was wonderful and I have pretty toes. I came home and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Then I went out to my son's house and watched over D1, D2, and D3 while mom and dad had to work in the afternoon. They are so sweet and lovable. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful children and grandchildren.
For food, I had yogurt, water, salad, and about 1/2 cup leftover ground turkey casserole. That didn't go down very well. Before going to bed I had 1/3 cup pecans for a snack with some decaf coffee.
I really appreciate the comments from yesterday. Tina is right, this is like getting a PhD. I have to say that I really wasn't certain I could accomplish that either. Don't know why I don't believe the therapist when he tells me I am my own worst enemy. Caroline, I am convinced there is no secret to this but if reading and writing about it helps, then perhaps my words will assist someone in figuring it out. We are in this together. I believe you thought long and hard about the surgery, as did I. It was unkind of the snit to tell you that the band might not be for you. It is what we chose and we can make it work for us. Keep the faith and cut yourself no slack, fellow bandits. Have a blessed Easter! No chocolate across the lips.

5 comments:

Sara said...

You can't look at this as complete failure - but as a bump in the road. You've already lost a lot and made some changes for the positive in other ways. You're taking another important step in getting your focus back and making yourself a priority. And it WILL PAY OFF! I have confidence in you!

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Denise :) said...

I agree with Sara; dwelling on the past is so defeating to our future! I have struggled with my weight for ages; last night I was going through old pictures and was amazed to see myself ten, twenty, even thirty years ago--my perception of self has *always* been FAT. And unfortunately, I *grew* into it! Now I'm really battling. And it's miserable!

Losing weight is *so* much harder than quitting smoking (which I did thirteen years ago). It takes a lot more discipline over a longer period of time! You can distance yourself from everything 'cigarette related' -- you have to have food to stay alive!

You can do it. Look back only to learn, not to beat yourself up. Look forward to the benefits; healthier you, longer life, etc. I'm cheering you on!

Nola said...

I love how Denise said, "look back only to learn" that is a very wise thing to say!! I think we are all prone to the "miseries" and "sad attacks" or whatever the hell they are from time to time and then we seem to summon our strength and keep trudging on. That is how I feel at the moment....like I am trudging and certainly not running or even brisk walking!! But I guess as long as we just keep moving towards our goal we will be OK. Please don't be disappointed in yourself....at least you are trying. There are so many out there that dont!!

Denise :) said...

Hey, just checking in to see how you're doing! I've been so inspired by all my quilting friends who are also fighting the weight battle; I joined in. It's time! I hope you're doing okay! :)