Thursday, April 1, 2010

Just the Facts

My dear cyber friends and those I know who read my blog cause you love me,
This post is long overdue. I have not had the guts to write what I need to write. This blog was started as a way for me to share my thoughts but most of all add a bit of real conviction to this episode of my life. How many times have I failed at this struggle with weight? How many times have I started over? How many times do I need a therapist to tell me that I am my own worst enemy? How many times do I need to tell myself I can beat this?
Well, this is the next time. I have been sitting in my car driving all over this vast prairie thinking about how I need to write this post. I have let MYSELF down one more time. I have not been exercising regularly. I have not been drinking enough water! I have not been eating three meals a day with small nutritious snacks once in a while. I have not been using my band as a tool!!!!!
Instead, I have been sitting in my car driving all over this vast prairie eating a little of this and a little of that. Spending long hours working and not making my exercise program a priority. Drinking decaf coffee instead of water. And well, just making excuses for not getting on the scale.
No, I haven't gained inches. I am not certain how I have managed to do that when I have added 36 sticks of butter back onto this 5'1" frame. It is not the fault of the band, oh no, it is my lack of ambition to take care of myself and exercise. I can not lose the pounds if I don't move my body and burn what I do eat. Yes, you read that right! Since the last time I went to see Dr. Glatt, seven months have gone by and I have gained 9 pounds. I weighted 208.1 pounds on the scale in his office last Friday. There I wrote it down for all of you to see.
I am ashamed of myself. I am disappointed in myself. I was so embarassed that it has taken me almost 7 days to get up the courage to admit this to all of you. Oh sure, I got a .5cc fill to make that band work better but I am the one who needs to work better. I have thought about writing this post and have been writing this post, keeping it as a draft until I could finally make certain I was ready to face the fact that this journey is one of the hardest I have ever traveled. BUT, today is the first day of the rest of my life. You have just the facts! No excuses because there are none to be made. No blame for anyone but me. I have to get control of what I am going to do with all of this. My actions will speak louder than my words. I guess I will start today.
I will make this promise. I am not hiding from you anymore. I will be writing regularly and you will be hearing about my progress, my temptations, and most of all my success. I am going to get to 160 pounds (now that is 48 pounds away). I will be healthy and happy for many years to come because I am going to beat this thing with the help of my family, friends, and my sweet little band.


Tina said...

Don't beat yourself up too much..think of it like the battle to get your Ph.D. It has helped me attack my weight problem...I got the tools I needed (the band). For the Ph.D. it was books, conference presentations, computer. I Take each challenge one at a time (meal temptations-think and choose, tiredness-work getting in the way instead get up and move even a little and build exercise into work)..For the Ph.D. it was one class, one paper and one exam at a time.

During Ph.D. work I learned to work/write within confined argument spaces. There are forms, statistical sampling and analysis procedures that must be followed etc. With the band we have to follow some confined rules but still have the freedom to make our lifestyle our own.

You did the PH.D...I know you can do the band. Dont diet-live-it I know you can get to the 160!

Lonicera said...

My first thought I was reading your post was that I wanted to give you a very big hug and say - paraphrasing Tina - that you're being much too hard on yourself. Blogging silence is usually the sign that we're not doing well and don't want to talk about it either - so the fact that you've written all this is also an "out loud" recognition that "something must be done".
I'm in the doldrums myself, still smarting from having been told by the bariatric nurse the other day that maybe the band isn't for me. It was unprofessional of her to say it when I'm only 18 months into this palaver, and left my morale at floor level once again.
If I spent a lot of my time driving I too would be snacking too much, plus of course it's such an inactive way to spend the time. Is there nothing you can change there? Do you have a long time to go before you retire when you could change your routines?
We pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and start again - what else can we do? But if each time we tackle the issue again we try to change something, we can break away from 'Groundhog Day', and move down the scale, however slowly.
If you develop a 'plan' of any sort, please could you share it, since I have the same problem as you??
We're all here for you my friend, just keep blogging.

Nola said...

All I can say is it must be catching in blogland at this time of year!! I feel your pain and have no advice....we just need to "find" it from somewhere and keep plodding on:)