I guess five surgeries is a bit too much. I sorta broke yesterday. I can't explain exactly how I feel but I know I am not in control and I am pretty anxious about things. I cry easily, am quick to anger, and just generally feel out of sorts. For those of you who know me, I hope this doesn't fit my normal behavior. I can't focus on things to get them done. Consequently, I have many unfinished items laying everywhere in my home office as well as my other office. This is not a comfortable feeling for me. What I would forgive in others, I can't forgive in me. What I would advise others, I can't apply to myself.
This is not a new problem for me. I accept others and meet them where they are. I never measure up to the level of perfection I expect. And to compound the dilemma, I don't feel I measure up to the level of behavior a certain individual very dear to me, expects. I am not regimented, organized, task-oriented, responsible, frugal, ordinary, or focused. Oh, I know those of you who know me in a professional way, would find that hard to believe. It is hard for me to always make a plan and work the plan. I tend to be an all or nothing thinker and I really can beat myself up for not doing what I think others want me to do.
So, here I am in the middle of a real breakdown. I have continued to exercise this week because that does feel good when I do it. I haven't eaten anything bad for me and am trying to make good choices, wondering if I am getting enough protein and vitamins. I just really want to get back to where I was four weeks ago. I know in my head this is a new way of thinking and acting for myself, I guess I just need to remember, behaviors don't change overnight and most importantly, I am the one responsible for the behavior change.
I don't know who said this but I need to think carefully about it. "Don't let the victories go to your head nor the failures go to your heart."