Thursday, November 13, 2008

This is no rut, it is a ditch!

I guess five surgeries is a bit too much. I sorta broke yesterday. I can't explain exactly how I feel but I know I am not in control and I am pretty anxious about things. I cry easily, am quick to anger, and just generally feel out of sorts. For those of you who know me, I hope this doesn't fit my normal behavior. I can't focus on things to get them done. Consequently, I have many unfinished items laying everywhere in my home office as well as my other office. This is not a comfortable feeling for me. What I would forgive in others, I can't forgive in me. What I would advise others, I can't apply to myself.
This is not a new problem for me. I accept others and meet them where they are. I never measure up to the level of perfection I expect. And to compound the dilemma, I don't feel I measure up to the level of behavior a certain individual very dear to me, expects. I am not regimented, organized, task-oriented, responsible, frugal, ordinary, or focused. Oh, I know those of you who know me in a professional way, would find that hard to believe. It is hard for me to always make a plan and work the plan. I tend to be an all or nothing thinker and I really can beat myself up for not doing what I think others want me to do.
So, here I am in the middle of a real breakdown. I have continued to exercise this week because that does feel good when I do it. I haven't eaten anything bad for me and am trying to make good choices, wondering if I am getting enough protein and vitamins. I just really want to get back to where I was four weeks ago. I know in my head this is a new way of thinking and acting for myself, I guess I just need to remember, behaviors don't change overnight and most importantly, I am the one responsible for the behavior change.
I don't know who said this but I need to think carefully about it. "Don't let the victories go to your head nor the failures go to your heart."


Mom said...

Aww, Sylvia, I am so sorry you are feeling like this. You are much too hard on yourself. You are strong, determinded, delightful person. You are entitled to have your world rocked after all you have been thru. You know the other old saying "A day at a time". You hang in there and you will be where you were 4 weeks ago. Don't let having to start over discourage you. You say exercising makes you feel good and I'm sure eating right does too. You are sticking to your plan and the feelings you are having will lesson as time goes on. These feelings you are experiencing are common after surgery and you've been thru five. Do what you have to to get you thru the day and the rest can be handled when you are up to it.. Just know we all love you......XO, Pat

DocSly said...

You are so special, Pat. Thanks for your encouragement. I know what I have to do but being hard on myself is too easy.